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THOUGHT MEANDERINGS

MY INNER RAGE CHILD

And so it goes, day after day – every harsh word and every angry, contaminated thought –   I press them all deep down – pretending they’re not a part of who I really am – I want to see (and sell) myself as a sweet, kind-hearted girl – a smiling, happy, together, and caring person – but the truth is, deep inside of me there is a seething anger- boiling and bubbling away- and it is more real than anything I have ever been brave enough to put out there. She is my rage child – She is free in her wildness, knows nothing of borders and she shows little caring for rules, etiquette or conventions – she is my inner Neanderthal – the one that stands up for me when I am too afraid or yellow-bellied to speak my truth – she bravely speaks my truth for me –  she boldly SHOUTS it out – and when she does – she removes my fake face –  shakes me loose from my fabricated illusions about myself – she keeps me real –forces  me to be the person I have never had the courage to be. She does so fearlessly. She does not care (as I do) to be liked, accepted or loved by anyone other than the master that she serves (that would be ME).

 She is truthful – candid – frank – she is my most trusted friend – she is the light that illuminates my “I AM” –  and yet, in my rejection of that aspect of self, I have cruelly banished her into dark obscurity.  I have come to know that darkness can be generous – It offers me the gift of concealment – my true face shrouded in the dark cavernous spaces beneath my skin – and, my authentic heart waits, shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting my secret truths, but in turning away from the truths of others – the dark protects me from what I dare not know.   However, I am no longer fooled by the cloak of protection that I once believed darkness offered me whilst I walked on sunlight, bathed in moonlight, breathed in a golden air and exhaled a Midas’ touch –  I have come to know that she whom I have banished from the light,(whom I have rejected and refuse to know or love) and who now exists only in the shadows, will try to pull me into the darkness with her – the  last thing that she wants is for me to see the wonder of my life when she can’t see hers. My rage child is sometimes a useful ally in the heat of a fight (but, she is also a cunning trickster who makes me feel powerful to the point of destruction in moments where I would have been better served by vulnerability and compassion) and, when she takes her place in the light- there is something peculiarly gratifying about going just a little insane and shouting in a blind rage until all words run out. Of course, the aftermath is always less pleasant – once I have told everyone just how much I hated them and to leave me alone -not to come after me, where exactly do I go? – I go nowhere – as D.H. Lawrence says, “that is the place to get to—nowhere  – one wants to wander away from the world’s somewheres, into our own nowhere” Sometimes when you lose your way, you find YOURSELF – and, sometimes it takes a wrong turn to get one to the right place – a place where one realises that anger and frustration are the result of you not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life. Being fake about anything creates a block inside of you. Life can’t work for you if you don’t show up as you. Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It’ll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called “perfection,” which will open the doors to the most important relationships you’ll ever be a part of.  Don’t waste your time trying to provide people with proof of deceit, in order to keep their love, win their love or salvage their respect for you – the truth is this: If they care they will go out of their way to learn the truth. If they don’t then they really don’t value you as a human being. The moment you have to sell people on who you are is the moment you let yourself believe that every good thing you have ever done or accomplished was invisible to the world – and, it is not!”  Have the will to take your place in the world – embrace all that you are and say: I am here – I AM.